A Bad Fic
by Lolly Cheesecake Factory
Summary: It's a FAIRY TALE. A tragic mistake. Also- a bad fic, which in this case translates to, "A BAD FIC!" Anyway- INTERLUDE.
1. Default Chapter

A Bad Fic: 'cause I typed one-handed :D ------- THE INITIAL WARNING- I'm feeling some compulsive desire to clutter up the LoD fandom with nonsensical drivel. It's a bad fic. There. ---------  
  
Once upon a time (simply because 'once upon a time' is a prevalent theme in most fairy tales and everyone loves fairy tales).god I just lost my train of thought.anyway, 'once upon a time' has a highly satisfying sound to it, so we're stickin' with it people!  
  
Bah- screw it.  
  
Albert was sitting on his throne in his.throne room.pondering. What was he pondering? Glad you asked. Haven't a clue. Probably the weight ratio of a laden swallow flying over Indels.  
  
No, really. There was this whole 'war' thing with his uncle Doel. Seems they had a falling out over management positions. That's what happens when men try and take control. ^^; Had a woman been running things, the war would be over the fact that I hate the color pink. Damn you people on your want of coherent plots.  
  
Beer. Anyway- Albert was pondering so FRIGGIN' hard that his thoughts obtained a god-like status and began broadcasting themselves to the stupid cows.citizens of Bale in a manner such like;  
  
"WE ARE GOING TO DIE WE ARE GOING TO DIE WE ARE GO.IS THAT A BLUE M&M!! FIVE SECOND RULE WHOO!"  
  
Or something to that affect. ^_^  
  
But there WAS a blue M&M lying in a shaft of golden sunlight like a gift from Soa Herself, so beautifully blue and heavenly shaped that angels sang a hymn as the regal king rose and approached the azure candy. It was the cousin to the M&M that seeks my demise. Damn those M&M's.  
  
Of course, the citizens of Bale heard those very thoughts, and in a moment they realized that their beloved king was about to partake in dirtied candy, and their collective shout of, "NO!!!" came so loudly that just as Albert popped the melt-in-your-mouth-not-in-your-hand treat into his open jaws he immediately choked in surprise and collapsed.  
  
The kingdom fell into mourning, and unable to fathom the thoughts of putting their young, beloved ruler into the cold ground, they built and glass coffin and laid Albert to rest therein. Boggles the mind, doesn't it.  
  
And now.there was nothing standing between Doel and Serdio but those chosen few- those chosen to rule over the very dragons of Endiness past.  
  
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That forest near Seles.  
  
Now, in the forest lived the six dragoons. Usually this is the part where they are described as, 'the so totally bloated with goodness and holy defenders of Endiness." So screw that noise, they were neither good nor holy. In fact, they were rather alcoholic and spent the better part of the day waylaying travelers for beer money.  
  
Their leader, Dart Feld, carried with him a stone of enchanting crimson hues, but that's not important. What's important is the fact that the stone held the rare and coveted ability to make its possessor eternally hard.  
  
Yes- that's right. I said ETERNALLY HARD. O.o  
  
At his side was his constant companion, Lavitz Slambert. Because he was at his side constantly. And they were just FRIENDS damnit! All those 'friendly' backrubs at all hours of the night prove it ^_~ Dear god the innuendo just might kill me.  
  
Next of course, there was dark and brooding dragoon of.darkness.named Rose: She of the Dark and Angry Angst Fics. Rose had but one special ability- she could out drink any living man in the whole of Endiness. Well, that and the power to make fanboys drool. -_-;  
  
Shana died because one day she was picking flowers and got stung by a bee. Unfortunately for everyone that cares, she was allergic to bees, swelled up five times her normal size and exploded.  
  
La la la.continuously inebriated Haschel- enter the Drunken Master. A former porn star whose days of glory were behind him, Haschel spent his days hitting on anything within spitting range and secretly coveted the Enchanting Red-Eye Stone for himself in the slim hope that he might reclaim his former glory days.  
  
Glaring from a dark corner (yes- the forest has corners. How? It's special) was Miranda- she of the Eternal PMS factor. Despite this turnoff, she held the equally coveted silver-white stone of Insatiable Attraction. Also, she held the world's biggest supply of Midol, in which she owned a significant amount of stock.  
  
Finally in this last hope for humanity garbage, was Meru: She of the Dime Bag. Meru spent her days guzzling mixed drinks and was highly; highly disturbed by-- oh hell- she was high period. And had a MAD case of the uber munchies. (Drugs are BAD kiddies.they'll turn you into someone like ME)  
  
In fact- destiny was upon these not-so-brave defenders of Endiness.and it came in the form a little white rabbit.and a authoress with no social life.  
  
-- To be continued.if I remember--- 


	2. Chapter Two: Fifi's Depraved

A Bad Fic: The Second Coming

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If you haven't got it by now, I is feeling depraved.  PH33R the INNUENDO!   :D

Added note: Lacas is the typo-spawned result of me trying to spell 'Lucas'.  He's my Giganto bitch.  

^_~  

Also- the reviewers who were brave enough to leave names so that I may find them, you've probably damned yourself to cameos in this, so just tell me if you don't want to be.  I might remember. 

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I left off somewhere, so that's probably where I should start, but that would be the normal thing.  It's a bad fic for a reason.  

Anyway, Dart had a problem, and despite Lavitz's reassurance that it could be solved with a back rub, he rounded up the Merry But Inebriated Men-

"AND WOMEN YOU STUPID BITCH!"  Miranda screeched. 

-and headed off to Bale, the grand and glorious…place that it was…O.o for beer.  Because they were out.  And that was the problem.  Why?  What did YOU think it was?  Because Bale was the Fermentation Capital of the World and fungus excrement proved to have more redeeming value than certain pansy-assed Moon Children.  Because BEER IS FUNGUS SHIT.  O.

They started out at once (because there's really no point in hanging around to start out later) and while meandering down the trail, a white, plot-defining bunny hopped into their path and wiggled its cute little nose at them.  

"Awww," Meru crooned.  "It's so cuuuuuuute!  Let's hug it!"  

But unfortunately for Bunny Loving Meru, the moment she closed in on the furry beast, a roach clip fell from her pocket and was seized by the aforementioned bunny- who devoured it like a chocolate carrot and immediately DIED because apparently I'm a vicious bunny killer.  

"Weedog!  I eats tonight!" Rose cheered.

"THAT'S MY LINE BITCH!"  Miranda howled and tacked the Dark Dragoon.   

This is the part where a normal person would write out a long, detailed description of the fight.  I'm not a normal person.  Sufficient to say, Miranda won because YUA would kick me to the coast if she didn't.  ^_^

Anyway, Miranda went like ":D Bwahaha!" and scooped the dead bunny up by the ears and did a highly disturbing little WHOOTA jig right there on the forest floor.  

"Da Midol 'inally went to 'er brain." Haschel said in a cheesy stereotyped for cheese factor purpose accent.  

"I'll CUT you old man!" Miranda screeched and flogged the coot with the bunny.  Meru sobbed.  

This was going nowhere fast, so the lazy assed authoress quickly dragged in one of the reviewers and dropped her into the fic.

Minimidget went like "O.O" and cried, "THAT'S MY BUNNY!"

"Really?" Dart asked, impressed.  (Yes, he's easily impressed, ever notice that?) 

"No." Minimidget henceforth known as Mimi said.  "I'm here for the purpose of sending you on a grand and not-so holy quest to atone for killing the bunny."

"Oh," said Lavitz sleepily, having awakened from his nap at Dart's feet.  "That sounds nice."

The authoress pointed a finger and lightning struck the spot Lavitz curled upon and KILLED HIM DEAD!  O.O And Dart wept.  (I am HIGHLY amused by the 'and Dart wept' line…)

"GO TO THE BRIDGE OF OVER THERENESS TO START YOUR QUEST!" Mimi explained, her voice now obtaining a god-like resonance.  And she 'poofed' away, taking the bunny with her.

And Dart wept some more, his red-eye stone useless without all those calming back rubs.  O.o Don't ask me to clarify.  It would scar me most terribly.  

"I thought we were going to get beer?" Rose asked sadly.  

So they salvaged the Jade Stone from the crispy thing that Lavitz had become and walked to the bridge of OVER THERENESS where---

Stuff happened.  

Actually- in a frightening suddenness, the Bridge of Over Thereness henceforth known as BOOT (XD BOOT) was blocked by-

--some ditz who called herself Fifi (Frequently Incoherent Friggin' Idiot) and a giant lumbering figure with a gentle if a bit clueless smile known as Lacas.  

"Who DARE pass!?" the jittery Mountain Dew high goon demanded.  

"We do!  The neither good nor holy Dragoons!" Haschel declared in Dart's place, of who was still mourning the loss of Lavitz and his 'helpful' hands.  

The authoress snorted and folded her arms.  "Then you have to answer the riddle."  And Lacas nodded his agreement.

"It's only fair that they do so." He said in a deep, soothing voice.

Brave Meru ventured forth to ask, "So what's the riddle?"

"@#%^$ BITCH!" Miranda screamed.  

Haschel, sly and crooked old man that he was, raised an eyebrow suggestively.  "Ohho?"

"You callin' me a HO old man!"  Fifi hissed with as much rage as a dust bunny could generate.  "Answer the riddle or Lacas will EAT YOU!"

"I don't really eat people- that's just a myth perpetuated by my maddened companion to instill fear—"

"SHUT UP!"  

And Meru sat down.  "That's a tough riddle."

"That's not a @#$%ing riddle!" Miranda howled and smacked Rose, who bit the fist swung her way and sent the pair flailing to the ground while Haschel snapped Polaroid's with a gusto not seen for many a year.

"Let us pass!  We have a quest to start!" Dart insisted.  

"No no no!  You HAVE to answer the riddle!"  The authoress hopped in a mad circle, probably due to the markers she was sniffing earlier because someone told her they had a new 'scent' called 'pancake'.

"What RIDDEL!?" Dart cried!  (indeed, that is a exclamation point after 'cried' because it adds vehemence to the phrase, or so I'm telling YOU.)   

The evil authoress went like, ":O" and screeched, "Insolent! Tell me the riddle! Tell me the riddle!  What if I had to tell EVERYONE the riddle!  LACAS!  Unsheathe the toothpick!"

Dart and his Inebriated but Merry Men (AND WOMEN!  Miranda screamed) recoiled in great horror as the Gigantos' hands shifted to his copper plated  (why copper?  It tastes funny) belt buckle and began the motions of 'undoing' it.  

"For the love of pinchies! STOP HIM!" Meru wailed!  

But there was no stopping Lacas from unsheathing the weapon that would make Endiness TREMBLE!  From the buckle, the great Giganto pulled---

"You FUCKING MORON!  That's a TOOTHPICK!"  Miranda roared and beat Haschel over the head with a handy rock.

Lacas paused gently, puzzled.  "Of course, what else did you expect?"  And extended the sliver of timber for all to see.  "It's just Little Woody."

(I wanted a pony for Christmas ;_;) 

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Once upon a time (O.) there had been a place called the Home of Gigantos but since there's only one left it's no longer plural and thus had to be restructured into singular form for the people who care.  Hence: Giganto Land.  

In Giganto Land, there lived a Giganto who was sad and lonely and stuff until one day a fan author from ff.net grew to love him and saved him from a tragic death and angst stuff and brought him to her city to…oh how to put it delicately…

KONGOL'S HER BITCH!  O.

Anyway, she ruled the whole of Sandora by whispering the words of treason and things in the ears of Doel and his assorted flunkies.  Her name was secret, and she plotted the downfall of the world for daring to forget the proud Gigantos…

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Exterminate me….now….before it's too late and I write chapter three….X___________________________________X  


	3. Chapter Three: A third helping?

A Bad Fic: Third helping…anyone?  It's low carb :D

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You all own my soul, spilt it amongst yourselves.    

As a initial warning: I'd warn you, but then it'd take all the fun of you finding out for yourselves.  I have candy.  And I am so not afraid to eat it.  DON'T PUSH ME.  :D

Has anyone else noticed that all my infatuations are dead?  Oo

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Look!  It's the new low carb fic!  Oo Yes that was random.  This is an utterly random fic.  Though, all fics need a starting place, which is why this little blurb is here, so if ALL fics have a starting place, then you, as the reader, KNEW it was coming, so therefore it wasn't random.  

Just providing a bit of stability for everyone.  Thank me later.

So- back to reality.  We left the last chapter right where it is because moving it would make it not the last chapter.  

Dart and company were being harassed by some completely random authoress at a bridge (BOOT XD) after being charged with a quest to atone for killing Mimi's bunny.  

The last portion was meant to show that there are evil forces at work here, and that there is a Giganto involved.  It's Sharra's fault.  

Dart was still mourning Lavitz's death and the future the pair would never have since gay marriages were legalized and stuff now.  OO 

(By killing off Lavitz and demoralizing Dart in the fact that his life partner is now crispy vulture bait, Fifi in no way has meant that gay marriages are bad or evil in any way.  In fact I hear it's low carb.)

"YOU BITCH!" Miranda screamed because she's been stereotyped that way and will forever be as such.  

"Answer the damn riddle or suffer my wrath!" The Fifi squealed in a fangirlish manner.     

Lacas waved the toothpick in a gesturing motion.  "Please don't hold this against her, she's off her meds again and-"

Meanwhile poor Meru, distraught over the loss of the plot bunny, had wandered over to Lavitz's chicken fired carcass and began jabbing at it with a stick.  Lavitz on a stick.  :D It's low carb.

No, you may not hurt me.  I do that quite well on my own thank you very much.

Haschel was STILL facing down the authoress and the gentle giant Lacas in which no man could HAVE EVER DONE because underneath that mild exterior lay a seething interior of MOLTEN FRIGGIN' Giganto RAGE…

Very Sexy.

Unfortunately for Haschel, there is no slash potential for me to exploit.  'cause Haschel's OLD…and…

OO I forgot.  

Let's keep this LoD related please.  

So what's the riddle?  

":D" went Rose as she took a wild guess and said, "Why is a raven like a writing desk!?"

Miranda scoffed.  "That's the STUPIDEST damn thing I've EVER hea-"

"OO I AM BOGGLED." Fifi proclaimed.  "Gimme a minute."

(No, seriously…if you know, TELL me.  That damn riddle's been riding me FOREVER)

And Miranda's jaw dropped as Rose's eyes sparkled in triumph.  The White-Silver dragoon looked to the ground in shame, lush blonde curls falling about her shoulders, an action that did not escape her darker counterpart's notice.  With a gently languid motion, her fingers drifted forward to stroke Miranda's flushed cheek.

(WARNING- SHOUJO-AI…wait…is it too late for a warning?)

Said blonde's reaction?  Her lips parted in a soft intake of breath as their eyes met- briefly filled with joyous thoughts of a future--

--Only to be dashed a moment later when they realized that, thanks to Bush, same-sex couples received more scrutiny than matters of national security.  Their dreams of a life together sundered by Fifi's desire of UST, the pair returned to their regularly scheduled glaring. 

"That's a hard question!"  Fifi wailed as Lacas patted her on the head.  

Meanwhile, Meru gazed at the pair of petting Pamprin poppers, and in a snap decision brought about by the author's random choice, she glommed onto Lavitz's crunchy corpse and teleported them JUST LIKE THAT to Vegas where they eloped in a glitzy morgue, proving that Yaoi fangirls CAN handle het, despite of the necrophilia involved in said match.   

(I eat dryer sheets XDD)

This is the part I had planned to traumatize Doel with something SPECIAL, but I have yet to figure out all the details of this torture, so therefore I will mortify Darkside and DG by putting them in this fic and announcing that yes, they DO read this drivel.  

I think…unless they're lying to me…;-;

While Haschel skirted the fine tempestuous line of Giganto emotions dealing with life and death, and the others pondered on the disappearance of Meru and their knight in singed armor (and Dart wept a little more) there was a FLASHY SHINY BANG BOOMSHA-

--and two authors popped into black and white text right about here…

Darkside: oo  Stop doing that.

DG: OO THERE SHE IS.

And the Fifi went "OMG-!" and promptly hid behind Lacas.  "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE HIM ALIVE!"

Darkside: ruffling trenchcoat Hell with you, fangirl.  That Giganto's coming with us.

DG: …Why are we talking in script…?

Lacas cleared his throat politely.  "I believe Freefall is defying ff.net rules again."

DG: …okay…

Freefall: YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM HE'S MINE!

Darkside twitched.  "Don't make me hurt you, the giant's going back to Kazas and YOU'RE getting charged with kidnapping-"

Freefall: I'm liberating a captive!

DG: smacks her with a spork Silence cretin.

Freefall: OO RAWR!  pounces  

Dart: LAAAAVVVIIITTTZZZ!

All: …

Dart: ;-;  In my sorrow, I can no longer bear the Red-Eye stone…tosses it over his shoulder

Haschel: OO MOTHER OF GOD.  dives for it

Unfortunately for the coot, the sudden motion triggered some sort of primitive reflex deep within Lacas the gentle Giganto, and said softie went, "BRUTALITY WOOT" and TACKLED the geezer with a magnificent roar.

Darkside: DAMN IT.  Quick, the shotgun…WHAT THE HELL-!?

Freefall: OO Nuuuuu-! …oO the hell…dances about in suddenly falling flower petals Whee!

DG: …These are pink…

Dart: Flowers…Lavitz used to get me flowers…;----;  LAAAVVVVIIITTTZZZZ!

Darkside: Grah!  My COAT!  THEY'RE ON MY COAT!  

And there was Mimi, hanging from a tree branch shaking sakura flower petals down in the gathered crew and chanting:

Vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith Vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith Vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith Vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith Vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith Vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith Vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith Vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith Vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith Vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith Vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith Vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith Vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith Vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith Vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith Vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith vith

-and belting Darkside and DG with the dead bunny just because Fifi decided that Mimi needed more than a three-line cameo.

And there I shall end this chapter because it ceases to resemble LoD.  XD 

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Horribly short, but y'know?  I still love you guys.  Do you love me?  XDD  Let's get married in Vegas.  


	4. PreMade Madness

:D Boo-! Pre-Made Madness.

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notes – Scientific study, put 200 monkey's in a room with a typewriter each and they'll eventually pop out a great sprawling epic novel.

Put one fangirl on a laptop and…

…this…pops out. :D I love.

Anyway, posted this a year or so ago on mah LJ and…now it's at the Pit…I mean…here. I'm a disease. Also- guilty as charged for committing every offense listed herein. Bwah!

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First--the main male lead. This should be either Dart or Albert, considering that Haschel is old and no one likes Kongol. The female lead should be Meru or Miranda, as is everyone hates Shana and Rose is dead.

Now that we have our lead, we can commence with the plot. The first chapter should contain a hazy description of our 'bad guy' who is either a woman (because according to my brother, all women are manipulative and evil shrews) or an old man/thing twisted and bent beyond recognition and 'reeking of evilness.' He/she/it should be plotting to take over the world or some other obscure reason that is not entirely clear to the reader and never will be. The antagonists name is not mentioned, but apparently he/she/it hates dragoons regardless of fact that they have not 'existed' for 11,000 years.

Now, introduction to our 'heroes.' Dart/Albert or Meru/Miranda lead should wake up in a cold sweat from some horrible nightmare that apparently has some sort of 'meaning.' Now, we move along.

Third chapter should contain something like….giant man-eating peeps or something akin to fluffy yellow baby chicken shaped marshmallows only with a horrid disposition.. They destroy something.

Next, Dart/Albert or Meru/Miranda wander around aimlessly until they pop into Bale/Deningrad with no other reason for being there other than 'something is it be the GIANT MAN-EATING PEEPS!?

Now, you CAN take liberty and throw in some romance. It is best to toss together a completely ODD couple for interests' sake. Since no one likes Kongol and everyone hates Shana, I would suggest them but for the horrible mind images that produces so lets forget I said anything and move on.

hits mental keyboard Images….deleted…

Dart/Miranda works well enough. If using that couple, be advised to toss in some inane comment about how Dart and Shana 'were no longer compatible' and/or she fell off a cliff while picking flowers and died a horrible horrible death on the rocks below. Feel free to spice it up be adding a rabid animal to the mix. Whatever. Dart/Albert is sad for some reason. Miranda/Meru kicks him in the ass and tells him to get a move on.

Bouncing along, also, it is good to resurrect Lavitz/Lloyd/Rose or all three.

The peeps eat someone and that pisses the dragoons off for some reason. This should also not be explained but feel free to do so if you like.

The he/she/it pops in and…does something….and now you're down a dragoon because either Haschel or Kongol is dead because no one likes them. Fodder. Live with it.

The peeps attack and seriously screw up your plan because you're LOST now and don't know where to take the fic. Now is the time to toss in Lavitz/Lloyd/Rose. They will explain what's going on and save you PAGES of detailed and/or meandering dialogue.

Damn them peeps. Revenge for your comrades! Rar! Yay! They killed a peep and now Dart/Albert or Meru/Miranda decided its time to kick some ass. Split the group up and make some new twist on the romance thing such as Shana REALLY didn't die in the fall/decided to screw things up by declaring her everlasting love for Dart/Albert. Have Meru/Miranda spilt up the group with some sort of mushy sentimental goodbye and/or "shut the HELL up and let's go!" or "Hey! They got SUGAR in the next town! Hey? Those PEEPS are made of sugar! Let's KILL them!"

He/she/it pops back in and kidnaps Dart/Albert or Meru/Miranda and sends everyone else into a mad peep-killing spree, which inexplicably lands them RIGHT SMACK DAB at the front gate of he/she/its fortress/castle/beachhouse. Yay.

After a grand epic peep slaughter, Meru/Miranda or Dart/Albert and Co. spring the captured dragoon and run around for a few more chapters for no reason. Then when at last the author thinks the readers are going to kill him/her, they will drop Dart/Albert into a mass, bloody horrific fight to the death in which they will be saved last minute by a arrow/hammer/alien death beam. The battle goes as thus:

Dart/Albert: You will never get away with this!

He/she/it: Of course I will!

Dart/Albert: transforms

He/she/it: Rar…damn you dragoons….readies massively powerful spell that defies all know magic laws in its ability to blow Endiness apart

Rose/Lloyd/Lavitz: leaps at He/she/it in last heroic sacrifice dies Xx

Dart/Albert: O.O Damn you! You killed Rose/Lloyd/Lavitz!

He/she/it: Rarrr! lumbering around in gooey lumps

Meru/Miranda save the day because I said so.

The aftermath should contain lots of gooey sediment that should be appropriately happy and goosh.

The End.

And are you glad or what?


End file.
